January 2020 – we’d just returned from 5 weeks away. Harper was 16 months and although we had a good time – it was hard work. People had already started asking is we were going to have any more children and in my head at the time to be honest – I wasn’t sure. I didn’t love being pregnant – I found the first 5 months super hard – and I wasn’t yearning for another baby. Harper was definitely keeping us on our toes. Never say never though – and we had fallen pregnant so quickly with Harper I thought – if we decided we wanted another one – we could.
In February Harper started daycare – it was a nightmare at first (isn’t it for everyone) but within about 3 weeks she was bounding in and returning telling us of all her friends. Before bed she’d rattle off names – and she was just so happy. It got me thinking, I’m not going to lie.
March 2020 – COVID lockdown. Multiple park visits which meant lots of new little people out and about – she missed daycare but she would go up and play with all the other kids at the park & both Chris and I started thinking maybe we should have another baby – for Harper. My little social butterfly. I had friends that were pregnant and she would touch their bellies “baby in there”. So in we decided – alright let’s go off the pill.
The day I found out we may not have another child. I never thought this would be me.
Time to start trying for a baby
Now – the last time I’d come off the pill we were pregnant within 0.5 seconds. I was 32 – on leave from my job for 3 months – so naturally I thought the same would happen. I had this thought in my head too that I wanted a boy – so we decided to have unprotected sex only once on my ovulation date (ok I know you’re probably shaking your head but whatever haha) to try and conceive a boy.
Well that didn’t work – maybe I had the day wrong – who knew – so we just decided to keep just trying normally after that.
During this time I was so focused on my work, my health and my fitness. My travel business had literally imploded – I lost all my income in a day & COVID gave everyone the opportunity of time I loved growing my new business, finding my passion and looking after me. I was doing 4 workouts a week with my Figure Babes – and running any where from 30-50km a week. Over this time I lost weight – not because I wanted to – but because with my exercise as well as all the extra park walks we were doing it just happened. I was feeling the fittest, leanest, healthiest and happiest I had ever felt.
We kept trying….but nothing was happening
After about 3 months of trying and no luck – I started getting comments “maybe you’re working out too much”, “Maybe you’re too skinny”, “are you too stressed with the new business”. Even my mum – who’s a doctor said she thought I was probably over exercising as my cycle was all over the place – mostly 23 days – one 18 day, then one 35 day cycle- then continued to be 23 days. So I cut back – it was so hard to do. I LOVED running. During lockdown it was my sanity – the time to myself – my hobby – the thing that pushed me. The rush of running further and faster each time. So I cut back to running 20km a week. It was also hard to think that maybe I was the cause of us not falling pregnant – thinking it was something I was doing.
Still nothing. I started to feel deflated – what was wrong – it was so easy the first time. So I looked at my weight – this was the next thing I got told by many people – you’re too lean Danni. I usually sit at 55kg and I was down to 53kg with a 14% body fat – so I ate more…..and believe me – I was eating. I also didn’t gain. My body was used to working so hard and fast that my metabolism was so high. So I cut down my running AGAIN. Every month seeing that negative test or my period came was another let down.
What were we doing wrong
We felt we were doing everything right – we had sex every second day from day 10 – then moved to every day from day 10 (and gosh as much as I love my husband – and sex – it became quite a chore). Why wasn’t it happening. I started feeling really guilty that I wouldn’t be able to give Harper a little friend or Chris another child.
By 6 months – I was getting worried. Was it me. I had turned 35 the month before & knew this was an age where people said your fertility takes a hit. So we decided to go and see my OBGN. He immediately referred me to a specialist but didn’t give me much to be honest. I was still having 23 day cycles like clockwork so he wasn’t sure what it was – there was no hormone issues – no PCOS no Endometriosis – so off I went.
Off to a fertility specialist….I never thought I would be here
I never thought I’d be sitting in a fertility specialists room. This wasn’t part of my story surely. I went in & first point of call was to get Chris’s sperm checked and my egg count. Of course – Chris’s came back “perfect” as the doctor put it. Me on the other hand – I wasn’t ready for. “Danni – your egg reserve is very very low. The chances of getting pregnant naturally are slim to none – if you want another baby – you’re going to have to do IVF – your daughter is a miracle” I couldn’t believe it – I burst into tears. Here I was – so cocky – and so angry at myself that I didn’t want another baby sooner – the guilt and negative self talk was huge. When something is taken away from you – it hurts so bad. I felt so bad for Harper – I wanted a little friend for her so badly – would she grow up wondering why we hadn’t given her the gift of a sibling – her wild personality yearning for a playmate? It makes me well up now – thinking about it.
He also let me know that the reason my cycles were 23 days was because of this – I was never releasing an egg so my body just releases everything early – it made total sense. I also asked why I was getting positive ovulation tests each month and he told me that you can still produce the luteinising hormone (the hormone which triggers ovulation and egg release) but I you haven’t got any eggs there – it’ll show you you’re producing it but can’t tell you if you actually release an egg. This was me. Not enough eggs – so no eggs were getting released.
IVF wasn’t an option for us
Chris and I hadn’t ever discussed IVF but for me personally – I wasn’t keen. I know the process from friends – its’ not something I wanted to delve into, it wasn’t something I wanted to spend the money on – I thought – I’d rather spend that money giving Harper the best possible life I could – taking her on holidays – private school. If we didn’t already have a child I would’ve been open to it. I also had this vision of conceiving a child making love to Chris. This may sound silly – and I understand some people don’t have a choice – but this was something that meant a lot to me.
So I asked if there was anything else we could do. He said – if you’re happy with the fact that you have one child already we could try ovulation induction – but you could potentially just be wasting your eggs if it doesn’t work. I thought – yes – lets do this. I went home and Chris was amazing – he always is. He looks at the positives more than me – we have our perfect little girl – and if this doesn’t work then we are forever grateful of her and would spend our lives making her our number 1 priority.
Injections…oh golly
So we gave it a go. The process was interesting. 10 days of injections of Gonyl-F into my stomach to help produce follicles on my ovaries. On day 10 I went back to the specialist who did an internal ultrasound to check my ovaries. “you have produced a nice big follicle Danni – oh wait – you’ve got 2 – don’t release an egg from both” he said jokingly. I was stoked the first stage was working so well – but didn’t want to get my hopes up.
That night I was to inject myself again to trigger the egg release – then instructed to have sex the next day and the day after that. So romantic right haha. The day after I did that injection I felt the eggs release – the ovulation pain people talk about was real. We did the deed – I lay upside down for AGES – I wanted to make sure we didn’t stuff this part up. It’s quite a lot of pressure for the man when you think about it – and I was so proud of us and Chris.
The next week I had to inject myself twice more with a drug called Pregnyl that tricked my body into thinking I was pregnant. Then we waited…..the 2 weeks to do a test. The longest 2 weeks of my life. I tried so hard to not get my hopes up – I didn’t want to be disappointed – but at the same time was trying to stay so positive and manifest this little baby. I had accepted in my head that Harper could be our only child – and I had made peace with that. It still didn’t stop the nerves.
Then came our moment…..
29th December 2020. We weren’t supposed to do a test until the 30th – but I felt off. I was struggling in my workout – I felt a bit nauseated – we couldn’t wait. We did a test. I was so so nervous…..1, 2, 3……YES!!! We were pregnant. There were so many tears. I couldn’t believe it. Harper – you are going to be a big sister. The 3 of us embraced, cried, kissed, laughed – I wanted to scream it from the rooftops. Finally a little miracle.
I got my bloods done straight away – and they came back super high. The jokes in my family started – “oh maybe it’s twins” isn’t it always the joke. I had bloods done again a week later – still super high – showing a week ahead of where I should be. My mum (a doctor) – Danni – prepare yourself for twins. I wasn’t convinced – I didn’t feel like it was twins.
Then the shock of our lives
Tuesday 12th January 2021. Back to the fertility specialist for our fist ultrasound to make sure everything was fine. I joked that my mum was saying it was twins. He inserted the ultrasound rod, “Well she was right – congratulations – you’re having twins!” HOLY FUCK – WHAT? I had just spent the last few months accepting we would only have 1 child and now I’m going to have 3. The tears – not happy tears. It was a complete shock and the look on Chris’s face was priceless. I was the butt of my own jokes – “I never want 3 kids” and now I was going to be not only a mum of 3 – but a twin mum. I must’ve not sounded grateful on that day- as the doctor told us this was literally a miracle. He reminded me he didn’t think it would work and now we have 2.
It took about a week of crying and thinking how the hell we were going to do this until I slowly started to get more excited. Holy shit – twins. We told Harper – and she’s so cute – “Mummy’s got 2 babies in her tummy”. Now she gets 2 little friends – 2 best friends forever – 2 playmates. My heart is so full.
I hope this can help even one woman/family on their journey to having a baby. To understanding that your cycle should be regular and if it’s not – maybe it’s time to get checked and that there are other options out there rather than jumping straight into IVF.
Everything happens for a reason
I truely believe everything happens for a reason – that the universe lines things up. At the time you may not see why something is happening the way it is – but every speed up, every disappointment, every bit of pain, every change in circumstance is a piece of your story where you grow, learn, change, make you stronger & when the stars do align – those times make you feel ever so grateful, blessed & make you realise that it was just a chapter of your story book.
